San Francisco 49ers v Carolina Panthers

I was Mad at God

When our first adoption match failed, I was mad. Really, really mad at God.

It’s not that I think I’m some entitled person who should never have any hardship. But God had specifically spoken to both Chris and I that we were to pursue that match. Even when our very wise Adoption Consultant cautioned us against it, we didn’t feel released to back out.

So I was angry. Because God made me walk down a path that He knew would end in pain. I didn’t have a road-map for that kind of God. It’s not a side of Him that is usually talked about on Sunday mornings. He’s scary.

In 2 Samuel 6:1-9, David was bringing the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem. He was doing it to honor the Lord. As they were traveling and worshiping, the Ark almost tipped, so one guy put his hand up to steady it. And God killed him. For doing what seemed like the right thing.

It says David was angry with the Lord. And it says David feared the Lord. I think he was angry and afraid because he didn’t have parameters for that kind of God.

Because God is beyond us.

He does things in a way we never would. His methods of being good are different than our ideas of goodness. But He IS good.

At the end, that was the only place I could land. God’s goodness was different than mine, but I had to trust that He is good. Reading the Psalms that David wrote, I think that’s where he always landed too.

A month and a half after the first mom decided to parent her baby, we found out about another situation. A situation where all the pieces fell into perfect order.

We were matched with an expectant mom who was due in only a few weeks. We loved her from the moment we talked with her on the phone. She was steadfast and committed to her adoption plan. We all became like family.

When the baby was born, she included us in every step of the process. We were amazed at how beautiful the experience was and were so honored to share it with her.

After 5 days, papers were signed and Enoch Irvin Warrior Davis was our son.

None of that beautiful story would have been ours if the first match had happened according to the plan.

I can’t necessarily say it all makes sense, even now. But I am convinced that God’s goodness led us to where we are today. The path was twisted, hard and confusing, but I can rest that He led us.

And that’s all I really need to know.

Our little warrior:

enoch1   enoch2  enoch3   enoch4

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San Francisco 49ers v Carolina Panthers

Grief Therapy

When we started the adoption process, we had at least an idea of the risks involved.

We knew that nothing was for sure until the mom signed. The baby wasn’t our baby until that happened.

But when the expectant mom we were matched with decided to parent her baby, all of our emotional preparation didn’t keep us from being devastated.

We were thankful she made the decision shortly before we actually met the baby. We were thankful we didn’t bring the baby home and then she change her mind. It could have been so much harder.

But that is small consolation when you were expecting a baby and you end up with nothing but air.

I think everyone grieves loss and disappointment differently. For us…

We got a puppy.

Really, Chris probably would have done anything to make me happy again. Except getting the kitten that I suggested. He always draws the line at cats.

But when I jokingly said something about settling for a puppy, he was on his phone faster than lightening, looking at puppy listings.

I weakly protested the idea. However, when we met up with a lady in an Indiana Chick-Fil-A parking lot to see her 7-week-old Yorkie puppy, I lost all will power.

We brought home the little ball of fluff and named him Oliver.

And he’s kind of like a therapy dog (which I think means I can take him in the grocery store, right?). Because I’ve been pretty much okay since we got him.

Basically, it’s prep for when we DO adopt. Because he’s about as high maintenance as a baby.

I just hope I get him potty-trained before that happens.

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